Going Crazy - a journal

I thought you were talking about your anxiety?" Yes I was. I still am. Why do I have this anxiety? Why am I such a loser? A failure? A [fill in your fave criticism of me, they're all true] Because that was my random combination. Each and every one of us is a unique and random combination. Of DNA. Of body parts, of emotions, of talents, of smarts, of physical attributes, of life experiences, of skin color, of bone density, of etc etc etc. My random combination made me. It was the luck of the draw. But luck is a human concept, so really played no part. I can hear the chorus of self-help gurus now, chanting about how, if you are determined, you can change. Well, the random combination nature of the universe says that SOME people can change and others can't. SOME people can overcome incredible odds to become 'successful' in whatever their chosen field, while others will try and fail, in an infinite number of different ways, and others will try and partially succeed and...

 To say it's okay.  I mean, I should be able to tell myself that, right?  I should be able to calm myself down with rational thought, right? But rational thought is in short supply, and what makes it worse is that I'm scared shitless about what that means. So, what actually is there for me to be freaked out about? Really, nothing. I've got a beautiful and wonderfly batty wife and a decent place to live and enough money to live on if I don't go overboard and I'm relatively healthy, physically, at least. There's no war here. No batshit crazy people shooting up schools and churches and birthday parties.  I'm reasonably well-educated, BFA and have always been creative, but never in a lucrative way.  I'm retired and have a plethora of creative outlets. Writing, Music, Photography, and for the first time; plenty of time to pursue them. So really, what is there to be anxious about? To be scared of? Nothing! Life is good! Always had this same problem though.  Th...

I'm not the only one.  Going crazy. I mean, intellectually I understand that I am not the only one, but I feel like I'm the only one. Like I'm alone. But I'm not, I mean...  just trying to name this blog was a challenge. I had to try many combinations and iterations of the Going Crazy theme before find one that wasn't already taken. It's anxiety, mainly. The feeling of imminent threat, of pending disaster. At any moment, something is going to blindside me and my heart is already racing, my breathing falls shallow, usually sweat pops out. I'm getting tired of this roller coaster ride in my head every day. This swinging from "Everything's fine and dandy" to "I'm a fucking disaster and my head is exploding".  Anybody else get this?  And this is when there isn't some actual stressful thing happening. When pretty much any minor stressful thing happens, I just feel like it's a disaster, and it can't ever be fixed and we...