I should have known

I'm not the only one.  Going crazy. I mean, intellectually I understand that I am not the only one, but I feel like I'm the only one. Like I'm alone.

But I'm not, I mean...  just trying to name this blog was a challenge. I had to try many combinations and iterations of the Going Crazy theme before find one that wasn't already taken.

It's anxiety, mainly. The feeling of imminent threat, of pending disaster. At any moment, something is going to blindside me and my heart is already racing, my breathing falls shallow, usually sweat pops out.

I'm getting tired of this roller coaster ride in my head every day. This swinging from "Everything's fine and dandy" to "I'm a fucking disaster and my head is exploding".  Anybody else get this? 

And this is when there isn't some actual stressful thing happening. When pretty much any minor stressful thing happens, I just feel like it's a disaster, and it can't ever be fixed and we're all gonna die anyway because of global warming, climate change, and greedy warlords. A part of me really wishes that the apocalypse happens soon just to get it all over with. Yes, I've contemplated dying, but not in a committing suicide kinda way. More in a I want to lie down now and close my eyes and peacefully separate my soul from my body kinda way.

And then there are the times I'm in complete control of myself and feeling like no problem is insurmountable. Unfortunately, those are getting fewer and further between as the years go by.  I was actually kinda pleased by the lockdowns. A good excuse to hide from the world. I was pleased to be laid off at the beginning of 2020 as well, because my ability to be a useful, functional and productive BIM Manager was deteriorating. Technology was finally outpacing my brain, which had caught on to computers early in the 80s, when PCs were transitioning from programming (not coding in those days) geeks' infathomable toys to a consumer product you could use with out knowing how it worked. I taught myself multiple complicated programs and helped the analog companies I worked for turn digital. I embraced the internet. My friends and family considered me a tech guy.

But these last few years? Before Covid? I could see it spinning further and further away, like a comet I'd hitched a gravitational ride on had sped up. The technology was already moving too fast for me back then, less than five years ago,  and now, with ChatGPT and Crypto and online gaming and NFTs, I can't keep up any more. I konw the tech is moving faster, but I also think I'm moving slower. My brain, I mean. The synapses, their not firing like they used to, I'm pretty damn sure of it.  Early signs of Dementia? Alzheimer's? 

Does the fact of growing up with what they now call "being on the Autism spectrum",  combined with ADHD and probably a little bit of OCD have a bearing on this?  I mean, I was just considered an 'odd kid' back in those days, they didn't have all the psychiatric conditions catagorized and diagnosable. I learned soon enough to fake normality, how to be social, at least well enough to pass, most times. But it was all an act. 

It's all Drag, Rose said, bracelets clack clack.

But the older I get, the harder it is to maintain. The less I want to have to maintain it. So I tend to avoid situations where I have to do it. And when I'm in those situations, I'm always exhausted after. 

The older I get, the stronger and more frequent these anxiety attacks become. In the early 2000s, I sought some therapy, and the therapist prescribed Celexa for me. It was an incredible experience. I felt like layers of fog had cleared out of my head. Like I was firing on all cylindars, and like I could handle pretty much everything while being myself. It was a massive eye-opener. And it helped me quit smoking, which was my medication prior to that.

I renewed the prescription a few times, then gave it up, and I was okay for a time. Good enough. Not no more. 

And cannabis helps some, in the right dosage. Preferably sativa.

And here's a dilemma. I am pretty sure that socializing more; going to events and places where I interact with people, would actually make things better, I really struggle with forcing myself to do that. I find excuse after excuse to stay home. Hiding. While a hundred demons scream at each other in my head, throwing blame and recriminations and guilt and shame back and forth in a rumbling free for all until I distract myself with some 'project' or other.

Like this. And I don't know if a project like this is helpful or hurtful. A step in the right direction or a dive into the rabbit hole. Perhaps more of the latter.

I am falling asleep. Perhaps I'll go close my eyes for a while.