"Wait a minute,

I thought you were talking about your anxiety?"

Yes I was. I still am. Why do I have this anxiety? Why am I such a loser? A failure? A [fill in your fave criticism of me, they're all true]

Because that was my random combination. Each and every one of us is a unique and random combination. Of DNA. Of body parts, of emotions, of talents, of smarts, of physical attributes, of life experiences, of skin color, of bone density, of etc etc etc.

My random combination made me. It was the luck of the draw. But luck is a human concept, so really played no part.

I can hear the chorus of self-help gurus now, chanting about how, if you are determined, you can change. Well, the random combination nature of the universe says that SOME people can change and others can't. SOME people can overcome incredible odds to become 'successful' in whatever their chosen field, while others will try and fail, in an infinite number of different ways, and others will try and partially succeed and others will not try at all and others will end up in an asylum, drooling and eating jello with their fingers. Everyone of those people who have similar symptoms to mine is still unique, and their experience will be unique. There may be trends, bell curves, studies showing those who did such and such performed better than average, or worse, but each person is still unique, each has their own experience.

This is my experience. My random combination resulted in some chemical imbalance, or nutritional deficiency, or traumatic experience in the womb that resulted in me being who and how I am. And I would fall into the category of people who tried various forms of self-improvement, with varying levels of success. Some of that work resulted in a definite improvement in my income level for the last decade or so of my working life, and I was able to put away a very modest sum, which, without Social Security, would be long gone by now.

Anyway, I'm here. I struggle pretty much every day to not cower in a ball in the corner. When I was younger I could often focus on some project or other, usually a solo project, to get me through the bad parts of the year. And the worst days, the really crippling days, were fewer, and farther between. This is my random combination. 

Some people might call this 'fate', but you have to understand that fate is a human concept. The universe does not have this concept. It has materials and the rules of physics, that's all. To the universe, there is no 'good' or 'bad', right or wrong, Divine or evil. There's only materials and the rules of physics. All is equally random and randomly equal.

Good and bad and right and wrong and divine and evil are all human concepts, human terms. Invented by our brains which themselves are the result of billions and billions of random combinations over billions of years. WE attribute goodness or evil to the actions of people; but the universe is simply working the way it was designed to work and creating every possible combination. Every possible kind of human. From Hitler to Helen Keller. All the random combinations, happening as planned; randomly.

We still havent' talked about why. That's for another day. Me, I'm gonna go distract my brain with some  drama, a tactic humans have used forever to ward off the anxiety. Tell me a story, daddy, so I won't have to think about the horror.

Good night